Double standards of discipline

One of the more prominent fears I had when raising my tantruming toddler was The Public Tantrum - the one in the grocery store that made customer's heads turn and stare, piercing me to the depths of my soul.

The judgmental stare. That's what I was afraid of.

Most mothers do the best they can to raise their children to be model citizens and decent human beings. Our society is very judgmental towards parents and their ability to control their children in public. I often hear bits of conversation around town about how moms need to whip their kids into shape and not be the doormat their children are turning them into. I actually hear this point of view much more than hearing about parents being too hard on their kids. "Spare the rod, spoil the child".

I'm a pretty strict mom that has high expectations of my kids. My older son is only three and a half, but I expect him to follow direction, to not talk back, to clean up after himself and do the age-appropriate chores he is given. I try to teach him independence and how to handle responsibility. I try to teach him to not only respect me and his Dad, but others around him. I'm not one to give up or fold in teaching these lessons either.

In raising a three and a half year old, I have dealt with my fair share of public tantrums. I've left full carts of groceries to walk out of the store due to meltdowns and I've taken him by the hand to sit on time-out in front of the store until he had calmed down. I've been stopped by both store employees and customers thanking me for disciplining my son and teaching him about good public behavior. I got over my fear of public judgment when dealing with tantrums because I knew I was doing what was best for my son and our family.

That is, until recently.

Our last weekly grocery shopping trip was a challenge. The Preschooler was having a bad day and he had the behavior to go along with it. He was ignoring requests to sit in the cart with his brother or to stay close if he chose to walk. Rather, he decided to do his own thing and get in the way of other shoppers. After a full shopping trip of constant reprimanding, I was worn out - physically and mentally. We stopped for lunch while my husband grabbed a last minute item.

While in line, The Preschooler was up to his usual defiant antics - not listening to my requests of staying close by, being the annoying kid running around and not being aware of those around him. After narrowly getting run over by an old lady and her shopping cart, I quickly grabbed him by the arm, pulled him in towards me with The Baby on my other side and scolded him for not listening and getting in the way of others. The old lady sweetly told me not to get him into trouble, to which I explained "Yes, he would be in trouble for not listening all day".

And then it happened. The glaring judgmental stares. Everyone around me had the look of disbelief on their faces as if I had just pulled out the wooden spoon from my back pocket to whack my disobedient son on is bare bottom.

"Oh, he's fine. There's no reason for him to get into trouble", the old lady requested again.

"But he's little! How old is he?", the cashier asked.

"He's almost four. He's going to start preschool. He's old enough to follow direction and behave appropriately in public", I defended myself.

An uneasy silence filled the line of customers and employees, with everyone shifting uncomfortably. I felt sick to my stomach. Was I really being judged for disciplining my child in public? Did everyone really feel that I overreacted in scolding him for getting in the way of shoppers? All I did was give him a stern talking to with a firm grip on his arm, he did not get spanked even though I felt like strangling him right at that very moment. I felt myself burn red, feeling vilified for my choice.

I paid for our meal and my husband conveniently joined us at the table. I couldn't eat, I was still irritated. The Preschooler was picking at his meal and dropping it on the floor. "That's it. I'm done. We're out of here," I said in exasperation. We packed up our lunch and drove home in silence, my husband unaware of the upsetting event that had just occurred.

That evening I felt the sting of the double standards of public discipline. Parenting is hard enough as it is without comments and judgment from the peanut gallery. When confronted about disciplining choices, it's no wonder why some parents just let their kids scream in the stores. Now that many days have gone by and time has healed that wound, I will never judge another parent on public discipline (or not disciplining) again.

Kristin

I believe in being kind to others

I was married with three young children, ages 8, 6, and 11 months. My life seemed to be in order until my husband had an affair and left me for another woman. Within days of discovering this, the world I knew was turned upside down. My identity changed from “married with kids” to “single mom” within a matter of days. This happened right before the holidays, as well as days before the birthdays of two of my children. My baby would be turning one year old. There would be no happy family celebration for my baby’s first birthday and I knew he would never have a memory in his life of his mother and father living together.

That year I learned how hard it is to put on a joyful face and celebrate when your life is falling apart. I tried to go shopping. At first I wandered zombie-like through the mall, looking at cheerful holiday shoppers and families, believing that I was the only one with problems and that I was the only one who was in pain. I didn’t know how I could get through this and provide a normal holiday for my children. I mentioned this to a friend, who told me that there were many others that were also enduring struggles but I just didn’t know it. She convinced me that I was not the only one who felt shattered on the inside but on the outside appeared normal.

This message really clicked with me. In everyday life I began viewing people with a new sense of compassion. You never know what battles are being waged by those around you. I believe strongly that every interaction with another human being should involve being respectful, kind, and courteous, whether they are your co-workers, family members, or the check-out clerk at the grocery store. I believe that treating people with grace and dignity can make the difference in someone’s day, and it is a gift that you can give to others, free of charge. I believe that there are a lot of brave and courageous people that you meet every day that could use a word of encouragement and a smile. Sometimes when things may seem hopeless and problems may seem insurmountable, the kindness that you show to another human being can be a small but powerful gift in their lives. This I believe.

Peggy

Meeting Updates

Hi everyone... Thanks for the great meeting today!

Upcoming Meetings:
August 1st Saturday 8am at Alley Cat in Old Town
August 20th Thursday 7pm at Cafe Vino on College

We are also thinking about changing our name and focus. Let us know if you have ideas for a new name that has a broader focus. Keep up the blogging... Let's try to be more consistent.

Happy Writing!
Elisabeth

I guess dates aren't just for married couples

My husband and I have been married for 10 years. In those 10 years, we've learned that relationships take a lot of work. A lot of CONSTANT work. We are always working on our communication, always trying to remember to be considerate of each others feelings and trying to avoid the ruts we've fallen into in the past. Sometimes are aren't very successful and have to work even harder on getting our relationship back on track. We continually work on this together as a team.

While I've come to realize that our marriage will always be a work in progress, I never realized the same principles apply to parenthood.

I've been a mom for almost 4 years and this weekend it hit me like a ton of bricks that The Preschooler and I are in a rut. For quite some time now, his contentious antics and my inability to handle it with patience and grace has caused a rift between us. Being a parent is so much more difficult than being married because as a parent, you are essentially working on this relationship alone.

After a weekend of constant battling and button pushing, my husband ordered that The Preschooler and I go out to a movie together for some quality bonding time alone. He stated that since The Baby has been born almost 10 months ago, The Preschooler and I have not spent any special time together. This dose of reality made me feel like a completely crappy mom. Here we had been stuck in the rut of day to day routines, spending every hour of the day together, and it never occurred to me that we were drifting apart. But we were. We are. He's not even 4 years old yet and it's a heartbreaking level of awareness to see where we are.

So away we went. We went to a movie together where I didn't reprimand him for getting up and down from his seat a million times (only when he tried to pick up crap from the floor). I didn't limit the amount of popcorn he ate and we sat together enjoying his movie about dinosaurs. We went to the toy store afterward and I bought him a new Matchbox car. It was a few hours without having to raise my voice, repeat myself or threaten time-out. It was refreshing and fun.

We came back home and within minutes were right back to where we started before our movie date. My heart sank.

This is when I was cognizant of the perpetual effort it's going to take on my part. Much like in my marriage where at one time we forced each other to sit down at night and have a conversation, it's going to take the same kind of work to shorten the gap in our parent/child relationship. And I have to do this alone, without expecting any change on his part, but hope that my redirection influences a positive change from him as well (like better listen skills and being more respectful).

Who knew that dates aren't just for married couples.

Kristin